yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
