Too much gin, very little bucket
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
