i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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