just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
