Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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