My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
