its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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