thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
