You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
