my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need to calm my uterus...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
