Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014