My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Randomize
