So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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