YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
