low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
