Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
