whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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