he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
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They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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