The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
