its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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