A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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