I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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