Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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