two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
