Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
