I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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