Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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