So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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