I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
