you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
