Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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