Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i love accidental penises.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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