i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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