So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
