How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
