i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
