my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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