I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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