he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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