mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
two words...techno handjob
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
