new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
