the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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