I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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