Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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