I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
