Just fell off a train. Bad.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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