shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
