I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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