i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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