im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my poor anus
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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