Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
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