I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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