All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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