how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
