I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Drunk walkin through police station. America
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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