Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I AM VODKA MAN
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
