Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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