I will die if light touches me.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
