Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
