Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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