im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My feet surprised me
Randomize
