woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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