I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
MIDGETS
????
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
