she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
