I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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