i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
