Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
